Freedom

(This post was originally shared on 12/14/19)

What does Freedom mean? It’s a word that holds a lot of meaning for us all, & as a humxn who has grown up in “the land of the free & the home of the brave” I too have journeyed quite a bit with this concept. With both my Sun & Mercury in Aquarius, much of my time & energy are devoted to understanding & seeking true freedom & liberation, for myself & for us all. 

Much of what modern Western society has taught us about freedom is founded on the devastation of genocide & the lies & coercion of colonization. But freedom isn’t found in slaughtering & enslaving our brothers & sisters, be they human or animal. Nor is it found in someone’s desire to help themselves to as much as they want without thinking about how it impacts others. When we follow our desires for the material without recognition of the spiritual, we are not free, we are trapped & enslaved by own our egos & subject to the whims of false desires & hungry demons that can never truly be satisfied. 

True freedom is something very different. True freedom comes from following the calling of the deepest desire within us to be in Union with the Great Beloved. Yes, I attest that being in Union with Source—with Prime Creator, Mother Father Su God, Great Spirit, The All That Is— is the True Freedom we seek! To know, remember & be all that we truly are in essence, while embodied here in this divine gift of creation that we call a humxn life, yes, that is freedom!

But, it is not a given, we must choose it. 

If we choose it, then it is from this place of pure embodiment that we can do & be anything. We can create & be miracles. When we are empowered to experience reality through the eyes of our Loving Creator, we can find real happiness & peace, as channels for the Divine Light, Love & Wisdom that we truly are! To be conscious embodied Creator Source energy alive in the dream of matter, sharing the light & love of Truth—this is freedom, at least as I have come to know it along my journey. 

What a journey I have been on. If you have been following me for sometime, you are likely  aware of some of the prominent twists & turns I have taken on my road to liberation. Initiated by fire in my early childhood, I have experienced many years of suffering & abuse. For much of my life I was alone & isolated within the confusion & hell of my own trauma & despair. I felt utterly lost. I needed healing. I felt it, but I didn’t really believe I was worthy of it. So instead, I sought to become a healer for others. 

Inexorably, my journey to become a healer for others, became my journey to heal myself. With those Aquarius placements & my Moon & North Node in Pisces, I have always had a deeply empathic & loving nature & a strong idealistic desire to be the change. With the nature of the early childhood sexual trauma I experienced, I also developed deep patterning of people pleasing, care-taking, & putting my own needs aside, to the point of completely burying them in some cases. I was taught, very explicitly & viscerally, that I •must do & give what other people want from me, & that my feelings & needs don’t matter. 

On one fateful night in December 2013, those long held beliefs began to crumble & fall away. In a foundational & pivotal moment of listening to my own body & inner truth, I reconnected to my soul. It changed everything. I began to see the truth of the abuse I had been experiencing for so many years & found the strength & courage to end it. That moment changed everything & empowered all of the growth & healing that was to come.

It was in that moment, for the first time in my life, that I tasted freedom. And it was painful. It was painful to face the truth of the darkness that had surrounded & engulfed me for so long. But it was nothing compared to the pain of being imprisoned by it.

In the last six years I have continued that journey with the fullness of my being. Nearly every part of me has died & been reborn—like a phoenix rising from the ashes only to die again in the flames, to rise again once more—I have been transmuting & transforming. I have been choosing my freedom. 

Face Painting depicting my rainbow soul by my soul sister Emily Van Hoomissen

As I began to listen to my body & my own inner truth, I began to seek out Spirit—only to eventually realize that Spirit had always been seeking me. All along. 

In every moment. In every breath. In every heart beat. In every tear. In every shudder of fear. In every burst of joy. In every orgasm. In all the darkest spaces of my life & in the depths of my pain & suffering. Spirit was there. Loving me. Holding me. Waiting for me to remember. Waiting for me to reawaken to our Union that IS. To remember that I AM. That WE ARE. That in this Union I AM free.

It is guided by the loving hand of Spirit that I have found myself again & again, & arisen from the ashes of the destruction of that which has no longer served me. And it is in the loving embrace of Spirit that I will always remember that I am whole, perfectly imperfect & worthy just as I AM. Always whole. Always loved. Always home. 

It is with this understanding that I face another important time of shifting in my life. Another pivotal & foundational moment of change as I  surrender to Truth in order to attain true peace & freedom. 

And of course, like all things, it goes back to the beginning, back to the roots. 2019 has brought on the deepest healing of my life, & has asked me to uncover some of the oldest & darkest parts of my story, from this life & others. As I have been diving into these dark depths, I have been recognizing the dissonance of the remains of this old pattern of putting my needs behind the needs of others.

As I stand now in the dying embers of this old paradigm, & watch the smoldering remains of a shell that isn’t for me anymore, it is with deep relief in my heart & soul that I finally let it go. This belief. This story. This blatant lie that I am only worthy of love if I am making everyone around me happy & whole. That the only way I’ll be loved is if I sacrifice myself, a tired & true solider, with a selfless cause, ready to be a martyr for it all.

No. Not anymore. 

The vestiges of this shell too small to hold the Truth of me is burning & dying as we speak. I feel the fall of the Tower & it brings me deep joy & sweet relief. Finally, finally, I’m letting it go. 

Spirit has called me to make a bold shift in order to attain true freedom. It is time for me to let go of the castles I have built so that I may be reborn. In my last 3 and half years in Seattle I have built a successful spiritually oriented mental health counseling practice, created and held space for spiritual community with Seattle Moon Group, and expanded my reach and positive impact via social media by sharing my truths and medicine and through my podcast Cultural Magik.

Now I let it all go. 

Perhaps it is in proper Saturn Return fashion that I suddenly change my direction so abruptly (just 4 more months of mine!). But nonetheless, it is time for me to step way back. Now is the time to give myself the gift I have never given myself before: space just for me. 

During this sabbatical, I will be focusing on my doctoral studies (did you know I started a Clinical Psychology PsyD program with a Somatic focus this last fall?), my personal and ancestral healing and integration, and giving myself space, after all this deep transformation, to rediscover myself and why I am here on this planet.

It’s time to go within. My life path 9 (aka The Hermit) is calling me. It’s time to fully heal myself by fully giving my healing powers to my own self in a way I never have before. It’s time to find out what I am truly here to create and how I am called by Spirit to be of the most service possible. It’s time to find my ultimate Union with the Great Beloved, and I need all of me for me to do it. Only then can I truly be of service, because only then will I truly be free. 

I know I am called to be my authentic soul medicine in this life. To be and embody this medicine in all I do. And now with this shift, I am giving my space to truly allow it to emerge, to hone my crafts, and blossom as the Sunflower I AM. 

I will no longer believe I have to save the world, simply that I need to save myself. If I can do that, maybe I really truly can be the change I wish to see in the world, instead of simply an idea of it. 

Freedom. True freedom. It’s on the tip of my tongue and I can taste it!!