Clan of the Courageous
I’ve been down many roads & stumbled & fell more times than I can count. But I am of the clan of the courageous—the warriors of the heart, who have not only fallen into the depths of hell, but have walked out of them with hearts opened even wider & eyes smiling through the tears.
TW: sexual abuse, incest
I come by this courageous heart of mine through both the strength of my soul & my early initiations into the fire. I grew up with parents carrying the legacies of their intergenerational trauma, deeply unconscious to it, & profoundly lost in their own life-long suffering. To call my home life merely abusive, detracts from the raw & sublimely fracturing existence that it was. I was brought into the physical into a womb that didn’t want me, because of the sheer terror my mother felt for what I was to be born into. That seed of deep sorrow, grief & abandonment was the beginning of my conception in this life.
After an early childhood of my younger brother, mother & I being sexually, emotionally & physically abused my father—my mother unhealed & unable to escape her own patterning & shadows—welcomed a man named Ron into our lives when I was 8yo. He became her keeper, & she his devotee. After many years of grooming from Ron, he became my “therapist” as a guise to sexually abuse me, & eventually tried to coerce me into a relationship with him.
In 2014 I finally was able to break away from my toxic family system. Studying & training to become a Mental Health Counselor gave me the foundational tools, insight, & awareness I had long needed to begin to see the Truth of my family & the abuses I had experienced all my life. Suppression of the early memories & the fracturing of my consciousness that happened then, followed by many years of repeated & compounding abuse & gaslighting, created intense cPTSD for me & a life of dissociation. As I began my internship in my MS program, I learned mindfulness & it brought me back into my body, with awareness & compassion, for the first time in my adult life. It opened a portal for me into my body, deepened my spirituality & helped me to find my True Self.
As I look back on my life, yes there is an abundance of grief—but also an abundance of gratitude. My path of pain & suffering is part & parcel to my path of awakening & remembering the Truth of Who I AM—of Who We ARE! I know now that through the worst of it I was always guided & held by the Divine, & I have come to realize the ways I was protected from it being even worse. In my healing & awakening I have seen the gifts of my trauma as I have heard the call to be a voice for Truth & a force for Healing in the world.
I stand tall in my story, while I also release attachments to it. It has helped shape me into the epic being that I AM—but it is does not define me or what I AM capable of. I stand tall for all of those who have experienced abuses of all kinds, be it sexual, verbal, emotional, cultural, systemic, or spiritual. I will not hide & be silent in shame for I KNOW THAT I AM WORHTY OF LOVE—in all ways & all things. I AM a Beacon—a sacred reflection shining bright & loud to help my humxn family to know & remember the Truth of Who We ARE & that WE ARE ALL INHERENTLY WORTHY OF LOVE exactly as we are, completely unconditionally. Love is the Truth of us all. It is by loving ourselves deeply & completely that we can heal the pains & traumas of our ancestors.
NOW IS THE TIME! Know that nothing can keep us from healing & loving ourselves into wholeness—it is a winding spiraling path to be sure, but when the destiny is liberation—why would we ever give up?
Know that whatever you are going through, whatever you are healing, & wherever you are on your journey—I love you. I believe in you. I trust in you & your ability to transmute your suffering & liberate your heart & soul. We are in this together & we got this!!
(More of the story my hero’s journey and my path to sovereignty to come in future posts...stay tuned).
Love,
Your Sun🌻
Pictured: Photo of me when I was 4 yo. I did these photo & video edits of to honor this young soul and the beauty of her sacred heart. The song is one I channeled in a healing ceremony for myself the day after my birthday this year—for truly I AM this Medicine Space—and I heal for her & for all my ancestors, & for all the decedents yet to come.
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